“And then, you’d break his heart.’
‘I can’t ever think I could do that. I couldn’t break anyone’s heart.’

You look at me. The tempting colour of your eyes dilates into grey. A blank moment; a break in the cinematography.

At night, I can’t sleep because your smell lingers on me like cheap perfume.
What do I do, what do I do?

-Vamika Sinha-

I called her by two weeks of enigma roller coaster of fleeting attraction
blurry edges of post-movie kiss
the exhausting blue of grabbed on t-shirt
luring gaze with lingering feather-like touch
and lit up too bright
burned too fast
ended too quickly

stolen kisses, followed by a week of eerie silent

it’s easy to laugh at the whole ethereal concept of time
when your wild heart did not trash around
screaming for a little bit of sanity
people whispered, “she wont change her mind
in just a mere running week
in just a mere silent week
in just a mere sleepless week
she won’t”

the next Monday,
I called her by one week of uncertain thoughts
favourite movies with hanging endings
high expectations then crashing fervently
quick kiss followed by “I am sorry I can’t do this”
greedy prayers to god
and died out too fast
too soon
too much it grips my burning heart

time always leaves in a hurry,
unfinished business in tow,
saying “I have to go”
saying “I didn’t mean everything to be like this”
saying “people change, you will too”
saying “people forget, you will too”

but time never tells me,
how long it will take for me
to change and forget the enigma that is you

You are just exhausted right now. It’s okay. Please forgive your soul for being too tired. You have never been much acquainted with the word “help” anyway, so there’s no other option left to take. Forget those times you bleed, times you shed your tears that you always kept to yourself, times you had nightmares that woke you up in the middle of the night. You are only tired now but it doesn’t take that much effort to rest. Close your eyes from everything that hurts. Close your ears from all the cruel words. Remember the first time you learned how to pray, remember how the wind touched your face when you were on a rooftop in a place you never thought you’d feel safe in and everything was okay. Remember all the good times you had and go on!


This also has been labeled as draft since late August. Always hesitated clicking “publish” button as I was ashamed I felt it that way 🙂

I am not to speak to you, I am to think of you when I sit alone, or wake at night alone. I am to wait, I do not doubt I am to meet you again. I am to see to it that I do not lose you.

-Walt Whitman, “To a Stranger”

(a draft from late August)

Ketika hatimu terlalu berharap kepada seseorang, maka Allah timpakan ke atas kamu pedihnya sebuah pengharapan.
Supaya kamu mengetahui bahwa Allah sangat mencemburui hati yang berharap selain Dia. Maka Allah menghalangi kamu daripada perkara tersebut. Agar kamu kembali berharap hanya kepadaNya.
(Imam Syafi’i)

That we could make forever after all,
Finding the gold in our darkest moments,
Watching the roads turning into white roses,
And we don’t ever have to leave these walls,
I’ll be the boy with the silver lining,
You’ll be the girl with the cinderblock garden

Cinderblock Garden – All Time Low